How to Help Reduce Worries & Ruminations

By Meridith Antonucci, MA, LPCC

For many, 2020 and 2021 have been filled with new, unique challenges as well as many exacerbated, familiar challenges. Do you find yourself worrying about what is yet to come? Or are you stuck ruminating on what has already happened? Perhaps both depending on the day or hour?

In my Master’s program for Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Naropa University, I wrote a thesis about how to help reduce worries and ruminations in therapy clients. Below I have summarized some of the key finding offerings from the paper titled ‘Pause, Breathe, and Feel: A Body Psychotherapy Approach to Working with Perseveration’. Please note that this approach is not intended to end worries or ruminations forever (I wish!), but, instead, it is intended to create more space and time between worries and rumination.

Perseveration is a term that refers to a rigid, habitual pattern of repetitive thoughts. It can refer to worry (future-oriented negative thoughts) or rumination (past-oriented negative thoughts). Both worry and rumination tend to be cyclical in nature – unless the cycle is interrupted or broken! 

When you are worrying about the future or ruminating about the past, your brain is not oriented to the present moment. Our nervous systems and brains can be brilliant and they can also be limiting. When we are thinking about something that might happen, our bodies (and nervous systems) are often responding as if the event is happening in the moment. In other words, regardless of whether a perceived threat is real or imagined, we can still experience stress. Operating in this way over time can result in long-term physiological consequences due to increased stress levels and prolonged fight/flight nervous system responses. 

Okay, so what do we do about it? Worrying and/or ruminating are ultimately habituated patterns. And awareness of a pattern is critical in order to change it. My paper outlines a few basic steps:

1. Notice: The first step is noticing the worry or rumination. For example, “I am noticing I am worrying about not getting the job” or “I am noticing I am ruminating on whether I handled that conversation with my coworker over Zoom appropriately.”

2. Pause: Once you have noticed the perseverative thought, pause. Pausing is all about becoming more engaged with this moment. Experiencing the present moment can help interrupt the cycle of whirling thoughts. Consciously pausing for a moment gives you the opportunity to become more aware of what is happening right now in the present. 

Pausing the cyclical thought pattern might look like taking a big breath, having a sip of water, or noticing items in your physical environment. 

1. Breathe: If it feels comfortable and accessible, lengthen and smooth your breath. This is a good opportunity for a big “haaa” exhale. Breathing is fascinating because it is an unconscious process that sustains life and it can be made conscious just through our awareness. Slowing and smoothing your breathing can also help you feel calmer because it helps to regulate your nervous system. See below for one of my go-to breathing practices.

2. Feel: The body receives messages before the brain registers them. You can strengthen your ability to notice what is happening internally through practice. When any muscle in the human body is not used it may atrophy whereas when it is used and engaged regularly, it strengthens. The same principle applies here: It is possible to train one’s attention to focus on noticing, feeling, and sensing one’s internal sensations or noticing one’s ‘internal landscape.’ The ability to sense what is happening internally can be helpful for our ability to regulate our emotions and, once again, feel calmer and more regulated.  

Personally, through practicing building my interoceptive ability, I have discovered that feeling my breath expand into back of my ribcage feels soothing and grounding to me. In the field of body-centered psychotherapy, identifying literal or figurative areas of the body as soothing or supportive is called locating somatic anchors. Clients I have worked with have identified many various somatic anchors: feeling feet push into the ground, hands on the heart center, or sitting bones push into a chair.

Overall, when we are worrying or ruminating, we are less likely to effectively manage stressors or make good decisions. So, if you notice you are worrying or ruminating, try to pause what you are doing to notice the present moment, consciously breathe, and feel into an area of the body that is soothing to you (feet on ground, hand over heart, etc.). These strategies can help us handle stressors more effectively and ultimately make better decisions.

For more information about this topic/to read the full paper, click here. If you would like to learn more about how Umbrella Collective’s services can help you with this technique or many others, here’s where you can find more information, or contact us through our website.

*A breathing practice for slowing and smoothing your breath known colloquially as square or box breath: Breathe in and slowly count to 4 in your head, pause with the breath in for 4 counts, exhale for 4 counts and pause with the breath out for 4 counts. I often feel different after just a few rounds. Explore what works for you.

Aftermath: On The Other Side of Covid-19 -What may be coming with us an Interview with Nicole Garcia

KGNU Interview

In June 2021, Nicole Garcia was part of a radio interview on KGNU going into her view on ways that the pandemic has affected us all. In March 2020 we entered a world that was novel to all of us. The Covid order was lifted and yet the impact of the emotional, spiritual, and health onslaught to living in unknown boundaries for an indeterminate time may remain. On May 14th, 2021 the Orders for mask wearing and all others were Lifted. That's 14 months of uncertainty and fear. This left us all with some trauma experiences. Whether it was having your support system uprooted, or feeling decision fatigue just trying to go to the grocery store, or feeling a stigma around seeking out mental health, Nicole discusses how you are certainly not alone in those tough feelings. Mental health issues were magnified during the pandemic because support systems weren't available to us, so we had to try and build new support systems, and not everyone quite knows how to do that in the most effective way. Simple things became wildly mentally complicated. Interactions are harder when we're limited on social indicators, this is far more exhausting than social interactions as usual. Even with the roadblocks that come with setting up therapy and mental health assistance, having things shift to telehealth and video calls, has opened up access to some people where it would have previously been too far of a journey to attend therapy. A similar thing can  be said about Nicole's Christian services, which can be viewed at westview.org. She offers services that focus on community, and a gender-neutral, loving accepting God. The pandemic was a trauma. We can't just pick up where we left off in march 2020. Things have changed since then, and we can work together as a community to heal and be there for each other as we build new support systems in this changed world. Listen to Nicole's words in this interview as they discuss concerns, solutions, and comforts.

Nicole can be reached at: nicole@westviewboulder.org

Substance Use Versus Abuse: A Place to Start

By Rikki Clos, MSW 

I find a number of clients I’ve worked with don’t know where to start if they are worried about their substance use. The topic of alcohol and drug use is so highly stigmatized in our society that even breathing the word “addiction” is frowned upon. This is problematic for a number of reasons, not the least of which is it keeps people isolated in their struggles with substances, unable to ask for help or expertise from others for fear of social retribution. Addiction is also criminalized; Folks caught using or in the possession of illegal substances can get legal charges that, for adults, follow them for the rest of their lives and can affect everything from employment to housing options to eligibility for student aid[1].  

So where can you start if you’re concerned about your use and nervous to meet with a professional for an assessment? A good place to start is the CAGE screening tool, a standard 4-question assessment used by mental health providers to screen for potential abuse[2]. Let’s look at the questions:

1.     Have you ever felt you should cut down on your drinking or drug use?

2.     Have people annoyed you by criticizing your drinking or drug use?

3.     Have you ever felt bad or guilty about your drinking or drug use?

4.     Have you ever had a drink or used drugs first thing in the morning to steady your nerves or to get rid of a hangover (eye-opener)?

Asking yourself these questions from a position of nonjudgment and honesty can help you to figure out if your substance use may merit intervention by mental health professionals. Answering “yes” to two or more of these questions is considered “clinically significant”, which may indicate that further assessment and/or treatment may be beneficial to you. 

While society may stigmatize substance use to the point of criminalization, you’re not in this alone. Everyone’s recovery journey looks different. Below are a few resources for getting help:

Umbrella Collective for Therapy - https://www.umbrellacollective.org/appointments

We currently have one therapist with experience working with substance use treatment and assessment (Rikki Clos).

Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous - https://www.aa.org/ or https://na.org/

AA and NA are great resources for social support and mentorship from other folks in recovery. Good advice is trying more than one group if the first or second don’t feel like they fit for you—every group culture is different and finding the right one is important.

Mental Health Partners - https://www.mhpcolorado.org/addiction/

MHP offers a few different substance use programs including a Medication-Assisted Therapy program for substance use.

[1] https://www.michigan-drug-attorney.com/how-will-a-drug-conviction-on-my-record-affect-my-future.html

[2] https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/johns_hopkins_healthcare/downloads/all_plans/CAGE%20Substance%20Screening%20Tool.pdf

What is EMDR?

By Lisa Wallace, LPC

One service provided by Umbrella Collective is EMDR. Below is a brief description of this service.

What is EMDR?

EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) was developed in 1988 by Francine Shapiro and is most commonly used to help treat PTSD. That said, EMDR has been proven to be effective for people experiencing anxiety, trauma or other adverse life experiences.  EMDR is based on the belief that the “brain’s processing system naturally moves toward mental health.” EMDR is an eight-phased approach. Phases include building resources, trauma processing (which includes BLS, the bilateral stimulation, such as rapid eye movement or tapping) and imagining future scenarios.  At its best, EMDR empowers clients to find new meaning in adverse circumstances and transform their mental and emotional wounds 

What EMDR is NOT

Contrary to what many EMDR practitioners will tell you, it is not always a quick fix. For single trauma incidents, such as a car accident or an injury, EMDR can work in a relatively short amount of time. For more complex traumas or issues, building the trust and rapport with a therapist can take years before an individual is ready to engage in the trauma process.  In the beginning, building up the resources needed might seem daunting and repetitive; or it could feel as though little is getting done. Going through the process one step at a time takes longer than most people initially realize. It’s much like building a house; it’s important to take the time to build up a strong foundation.

EMDR is also not the end all be all. EMDR does not work for everyone, and is not always the appropriate trauma processing method to use. Like all therapy, it’s okay, and sometimes necessary, to try different therapists and modalities out before you find one that fits. Because the process of EMDR stirs up negative emotions and memories, EMDR works best for clients who have strong support systems and who have developed coping skills and are in relatively settled situations.

EMDR during the Pandemic

Often the reprocessing of trauma events happens after the trauma has occurred. While EMDR can be employed before the traumatic event has solidified in a client’s nervous system, it’s not ideal to do deep reprocessing while in the middle of a traumatic event, such as a pandemic. To that end, during this time of uncertainty and upheaval, I have found the resourcing tools EMDR offers to be the most helpful.

Here is an abbreviated resourcing tool for anyone to use:

Finding a Positive Moment

A supportive exercise to do at the end of every day is to think back through the day and find a moment when you felt like something positive was happening. Maybe you felt like you knew what you were doing and it felt “right” or good. Maybe you had a moment where you weren’t worried, or thinking about the future. Maybe it was a moment you had to just take a breath and pause. Bring yourself back to that moment by allowing all of your senses to be engaged: try, without forcing it, to imagine what were you hearing, seeing, thinking, smelling, tasing in that moment. Noticing any positive sensations that happen as you remember, try to let your body reflect how you are feeling. Breathe into that place in your body, or bring your hands to where you feel the most positive, or simply imagine those good feelings spreading through your whole being. Allow your mind to rest with the positive feelings for as long as it can and then allow your attention to naturally move on.  

If this was an EMDR session, you would add rapid eye movement or another form of bilateral stimulation. On your own, this exercise can help you start building your resource foundation. Make sure you begin with short sessions-only stay with the positive feeling for a few minutes at a time; and make sure you’re staying with positive feelings. Writing down what you remember or what was good about the day can also help rewire your brain and lay the foundation of resourcing and support.

For more information, Umbrella Collective currently has three therapists trained in EMDR: Katrina Puente, Matt Meurer-Lynn, and Suzanne Pearson.

 Also, check out the Maiberger Institute for a more in depth description.

Bad with Money: The Imperfect Art of Getting Your Financial Sh*t Together by Gaby Dunn

By Claudia Winkler, LPCC

Does listening to an audiobook about financial advice sound about as fun as a poke in the eye with a hot stick? I thought so too! Luckily, author and podcaster Gaby Dunn uses her comedic talents to actually make the topic digestible and funny.

Bad with Money is geared toward younger-ish adults and covers such topics as student loans, credit cards, retirement, unpaid internships and financial compatibility in relationships. Told through the stories of her own financial missteps, Gaby Dunn provides the listener with practical tidbits without promoting self deprivation in finances.

What sold me on this audiobook right off the bat is Gaby’s declaration that she doesn’t have all the answers, and to be suspicious of anyone who tells us they do. She highlights the inequality in gender, sexual orientation, race and income level in traditional financial institutions and offers suggestions for how to subvert these systems. Gaby opens up about her own struggles with bipolar disorder, navigating the world as a polyamorous bisexual woman, and growing up with parents who, “had money troubles”.

Also a podcast (check it out here), the audiobook of Bad with Money is by no means a comprehensive financial guide, but is a great place to start in a field that can feel overwhelming. Get the audiobook from your favorite digital retailer, or check out the print copy at your local bookstore.

Is a Support Group For Me?

By Li Brookens, LCSW, CGP

There are a lot of reasons why a support group could be helpful for you. The biggest reason in the COVID pandemic is our family systems may be flooded with navigating COVID in small spaces. Sometimes our loved ones get overwhelmed helping us process our feelings about COVID and stressors in our life on top of their own process. It’s a good idea, when this happens, to expand your circle of support, and a support group is a great way to do that in the immediate. 

• What are the support group meetings like? 

  • Support groups are drop-in, they are filled with people you likely do not know and that can sometimes help people be more honest with one another. With a trained facilitator leading a group, members can lean into their truths and relate to one another in trust that the facilitator will help the conversation continue in a supportive and progressive manner. 

  • Group members can expect to have an opportunity to share what is going on for them, and relate to and give feedback to other group members. 

  • Nervousness is normal when being part of a group. Nerves indicate that you are feeling a lot and it’s best to observe that energy and if possible to speak about it. When people lean into the nerves and speak to those feelings, other members will respond and relate, and the nerves then often melt away. It’s an amazing process that you can only experience by joining a group!

• What if I feel uncomfortable speaking in front of groups? 

  • Many people who join groups have uncomfortable feeling/s talking in groups, especially at first. Any member of the group is welcome to simply sit and observe the group and not share. There have been occasions when I ask a group member if they would like help getting their voice in the group and they say “No,” and in most cases I will follow the group members’ sense of what is best in those moments. Other times, the person says, “Yes,” indicating that they are wanting help to talk, but may be stuck in some way. For people who want to work on talking in the group, a good way to help people get unstuck is to first talk about what makes it hard to talk. 

  • Again, watching someone’s nerves melt away when they realize others are in the same boat as them is a very powerful process to witness and experience first hand. 

• What’s the difference between support groups and therapy groups?

  • In a support group, people tend to drop-in, there are group agreements that are reviewed each week, and there is more structure to member sharing. More facilitator involvement helps to keep the structure of the group functioning well and to provide support to participants. Typically there is also a shared reason people are attending the group, for example, a support group for people who identify as transgender or a support group for people navigating COVID as a healthcare provider. 

  • In a therapy group, people typically commit to a time period or an ongoing process with other members. The facilitator encourages people to talk to each other, and to use their here-and-now experience. Group members work to connect to each other by putting words to their thoughts, feelings, and body sensations in an effort to understand themselves better. The facilitator takes less of an active role to allow for the group process to unfold some, but they are also there to interrupt anything that does not facilitate a healthy progressive process. For people interested in group therapy, this space has the potential to be highly transformative, especially when coinciding with individual therapy. 

• How can I learn more about support groups?

  • Feel free to contact us with questions, and check out these additional resources: 

  • Support Groups: Make connections, get help

  • How Group Therapy Can Empty Your Basket of Troubles

The free support group for COVID essential service workers meets weekly on Saturdays from 10--11:15am. 

The free support group for COVID healthcare workers meets weekly on Sundays from 8--9:15pm. 

Click here to sign up today!

Supporting Yourself and Community from Home: Thoughts, Feelings and Actions

By Griffin Jensen, LPC

We are currently living in very strange, uncertain times with the COVID-19 pandemic. There is a lot of confusion, anxiety, and suffering being felt within humanity on a collective scale. 

This can be overwhelming for anyone. 

Even if you and your loved ones are fortunate to be healthy, with adequate shelter and resources, drastic changes to everyday life have impacted everyone. It’s more important than ever to take care of yourself, your loved ones, and your community. 

Staying home as much as possible, washing your hands frequently, and practicing social/physical distancing are the three most important things we can do to help flatten the curve of COVID-19. Additionally, for those of us who have the means, there are many things we can do to support vulnerable communities being impacted the most by this pandemic. 

Two weeks ago, a $2 trillion stimulus package was passed to provide financial relief for Americans. While the majority of this went to corporations, many working and middle class families will be left waiting for a one-time check of around $1,200 ($2,400 for couples, plus $500 per child). That one-time check gets even smaller for families with annual salaries of $75,000 and up. 

In the last two weeks a total of 9.95 million people lost their jobs due to coronavirus and filed for unemployment. With no nation-wide freeze on mortgages or rent, many folks are left with not a lot of answers to their financial struggles. Before this pandemic placed a glaring spotlight on our country’s income disparities, more than half of Americans were already living paycheck-to-paycheck, including a third of families making $50-$100k a year. Yet, amid an international health crisis, we are means testing everyday Americans while well-off corporations receive a government bailout with little-to-no strings attached. 

Two weeks ago, Governor Cuomo announced a $2.5 billion cut to New York’s Medicaid program while much of the state went into lockdown over COVID-19.  

I share this to continue to put things into perspective and continue to ignite what needs to be ignited in these uncertain times. If grief, anger, despair, hopelessness or pain arise while reading this - is there a way you can gently bring your attention to these strong feelings? To tend to these feelings with care, compassion and curiosity in order to feel what needs to be felt and to invite these feelings to move through in order to support connection to yourself and others. Doing so can assist all of us in continuing to awaken together, to stay curious about what is possible and choose to want better for ourselves and each other moving forward. 

During this time, I hope you can create space for yourself to process, rest, grieve and connect. You are not alone, we are here to support and are offering virtual counseling services to new and existing clients. And if you have the means, I hope you can offer resources to those you care about. Whether that is a listening ear, a trip to the grocery store, or financial support. 

This is a lot of information in an already overly saturated era of news, information, and worry – so here are some additional resources on some amazing organizations that are helping a lot of people right now. 

I ask that during these uncertain times, when you feel grateful, cared for, filled with sustenance – to think of these organizations (or other organizations that you support) and the folks they are helping to feel that way, too. 

Note: Organizations are organized alphabetically 

American Guild of Musical Artists (AGMA) Relief Fund is supporting musicians who are no longer able to tour or host gigs because venues and clubs are shut down. Your support to this charity will give relief to artists who are struggling during the crisis.

Coworker.org is a nonprofit organizing platform for workers across the country to organize for rights at work and make their workplaces safer. Already this week Starbucks workers won sick leave during the pandemic using the platform, and Amazon workers and USPS employees are organizing for their safety. 

CPD Action Solidarity Fund is working to protect and empower the working class, immigrants and communities of color. They are providing resources, support and mutual aid across their network of affiliated organizations. 

Feeding America supports a nationwide network for 200+ foodbanks that keep tens of millions of people fed even before this crisis — and their work is even more important now. 

Make the Road COVID-19 Emergency Response Fund supports outreach and support efforts to low-income immigrants and to organize to ensure that they are not left out of traditional government responses. 

Meals on Wheels delivers prepared food to seniors across the country. This is especially important in the pandemic, as seniors are at high risk, and limiting their need to go to the grocery store by delivering these meals is a critical service. 

National Domestic Violence Hotline is unfortunately seeing a rise of calls and more people in need as more and more cities are having people shelter in place. Adding a donation to the hotline will ensure they have the resources to be staffed and provide resources towards safe havens for those in need. 

National Domestic Workers Alliance is giving financial support to in-home care workers, nannies, and house cleaners who have to stay home and not work in order to reduce the spread of the virus. 

No Kid Hungry makes sure that children get the food they need, especially since schools are closed across the country. Their service is especially important as families who lose their jobs need to keep their kids fed. 

One Fair Wage Emergency Fund gives funds directly to service workers affected by the pandemic, including restaurant, salon, airport, rideshare, and gig economy workers who find themselves out of work or without customers. 

Restaurant Workers’ Community Foundation COVID-19 Emergency Relief Fund is providing direct financial support to restaurant workers who are out of work or have reduced hours because of the pandemic. They are also supporting community organizations of local workers and providing loans to restaurants to re-open when it is safe. 

UNITE HERE Education and Support Fund is a nonprofit organization supporting hospitality workers who have been displaced or laid off because of this economic crisis. These workers have been hit hard, and they need all the support they can get. 

US Bartenders Guild COVID-19 Relief Fund is a nonprofit organization of bartenders who are banding together as their workplaces close and are providing grants and loans to people who need help until their places of work reopen. 

Claudia’s Audiobook Review

Tomorrow Will be Different: Love, Loss, and The Fight for Trans Equality by Sarah McBride

By Claudia Winkler, MA

In her self-narrated audiobook, Sarah McBride allows listeners to witness the journey that her impressive life has taken in her 28 years on this planet. From serving as student body president at American University to coming out as transgender in the university student newspaper, losing her husband to cancer, interning at the White House, and speaking at the 2016 National Democratic Convention, Sarah demonstrates her drive and resilience.

No doubt, Sarah’s resume is impressive. She is a formidable force within politics, actively working toward making the US a safer place for transgender people. Her description of testifying to pass a bill instating legal protections for transgender folx in her home state of Delaware brought me to tears (yes, political testimony brought me to tears!). However, what’s striking in many ways throughout the book are the deeply personal tidbits that Sarah gifts the reader. For example, that she grew up with the tv constantly on at her parents’ home (tv didn’t rot her brain, she’s a successful productive adult!). That she had internalized the message that she could either live authentically as a trans woman OR have a successful career, but not both (spoiler alert: she’s doing both!). She describes in detail the harrowing journey of supporting her husband through cancer, and her emotional experience in being attacked with hate speech after using a women’s restroom in North Carolina.

This audiobook is a good listen for a broad range of listeners: from those who are actively fighting toward trans equality themselves to those who are just starting out in gaining an understanding of why trans equality is important. Sarah writes and narrates with nimble skill; she is vulnerable and courageous and leaves the listener feeling empowered and hopeful. As one audible.com reviewer puts it, “Loved it. I cried, laughed, cheered and sighed. Compared our transitions and am honored that she is there for us”. Get the print version at your local bookstore, or check out the audiobook HERE.

The Pros and Cons of Giving Away Our Feelings

By Katrina Puente, LSW

There are thoughts and feelings we all have that bring up too much anxiety to hold on our own.  Who really wants to feel ashamed or unworthy of love? When we pass those feelings along to someone else, would they be easier to see and work through?  Is the relief that comes from disavowing our beliefs worth the consequences?   

The defense mechanism, projection is the way we give away uncomfortable thoughts, feelings and desires and ascribe them to someone else.  Projection occurs in every aspect of our life.  Like all defense mechanisms, projection is an adaptive way of coping in certain situations.  It becomes a problem, however, when we become overly reliant on it.  

During my final term of grad school, I took an advanced group therapy class where projection onto my professor was clearly played out.  I was experiencing anxiety and a sense of instability around graduation and leaving behind my role as a student.  Those feelings were very uncomfortable and contrasted with the excitement I felt  about beginning my life as a newly minted therapist.  Instead of recognizing the anxiety and instability I was feeling, I projected them onto my professor during our “mock” group therapy sessions.  I viewed him as incapable of containing the class and providing a sense of safety.  I was angry with him for not taking responsibility for the fears that came up in me.  As I reflected on my feelings during our class discussion, I realized how I had attempted to give away my anxiety so that I would not have to acknowledge and work through it on my own.  

While giving away feelings can be harmful for relationships and keep us from working through discomfort, the use of projection is not always negative.  In the beginning stages of falling in love we often project our own positive feelings and characteristics onto our romantic interest(s).  New relationship energy is often fueled by seeing the best parts of ourselves in another person.  Projection allows us to see courage, empathy and creativity in people, which in turn, may make it easier for us to be open to connection.

Projection is an unconscious process that can be emotionally painful for any party involved.  However, though recognizing one’s emotional pain that is being given away, one can also find benefits.  When we project feelings of compassion, loyalty and competence onto those we love, they have the opportunity to embody them.  Completely removing projection from our lives is not something we should strive for.  Yet, it can be helpful to increase our awareness through self-reflection, noticing characteristics we fill triggered by in others, mindfulness and talking about our feelings with a therapist. 

My Queer-Trans New Year’s Resolution

By Li Brookens, LCSW, CGP

For my New Year’s resolution, I’m planning to sharpen the who, what, where, and when assessment skills of providing trans-queer education, boundary setting, and/or not attending to someone’s lack of trans awareness that I encounter. As a transgender nonbinary, queer person (they/them pronouns), navigating the holiday season can be tricky and full of micro and macro aggressions. This is stuff I talk about every year around this time with clients in my talk therapy practice. Even if I wanted to speak up every time a family member misgenders me, I’d be using precious energy that I try to reserve for my 2.5 year-old! While it can be important to establish clear boundaries and protect oneself during the holidays, I notice that it also detracts from the human connection I seek (and our society needs) so badly at this time. Either way I cut it, I end up leaving the holiday season in a tired fog of uncertainty…unsure of who understands me, who has the capacity for understanding, whom I should educate about my gender, and when I should put my foot down and keep distance. This realization leads me to my transgender New Year resolution! Building my assessment tools so I can more easily navigate interpersonal relationships as a trans person in the New Year and for many more to come.

Who

Let’s start with whom I may or may not want to provide education, boundary setting, and/or not attending to someone’s lack of trans awareness. There is a big difference between my relationships with my brother who I see monthly versus my aunt who I may only see once every few years. I’m more invested with my brother, and so it’s more important to me to take the effort and energy to stay in connection and conversation with him surrounding my gender versus my aunt. While my aunt may need more trans education than my brother, I am not willing to give her my energy in this way. Instead I might set a boundary when she asks intrusive questions about what my gender neutral pronouns mean by referencing her to do some internet research if she wants to find out more.

What & Where

What will I share to loved ones I choose to be close with? Even people I love who are well intentioned will ask intrusive questions about my gender or my family. Navigating what I share or how much I share depends on the setting and where I think the question is coming from. My cousin recently asked me when we were one on one if I hoped for my daughter to have a relationship with the “donor father” one day. If he had asked this during dinner at the table with other family, I would have tabled the conversation, “I appreciate that you’re thinking about me, let’s talk about it when we have more time just the two of us.” In the one on one setting we were in, I felt comfortable first calling my cousin in for some queer education, “In my family, we don’t consider the donor a ‘father’ figure, but simply the donor.” In addition, I could tell his intention was for connection, and to deepen an understanding about my family and me. Knowing my cousin is also a great listener, I felt free to share openly about my process, and through this I felt closer to him.

When

When I am willing to share and when I am not in the mood depends on my internal resources and external resources. I check in with my basic needs, do I need to eat, use the toilet, rush off somewhere, or do I have spaciousness and feel well resourced in my body? As I write this, I’m thinking about the client who has an in depth question for me as they are getting up off the couch and walking out the door. “Li, have you had top surgery?” There’s no time to answer that question with any justice! I might say, “This is important, let’s talk about this next time.” In another example, if I’m hungry and tired, I may choose to not attend to someone’s transphobic gender policing comments toward me in a public restroom. I’ll probably never see them again, and I choose safety in passivity over confrontation and hostility in this scenario.

Assessing the who, what, where, and when is individual and can change from day to day. In fact, there is no right answer for anyone navigating relationships that have transphobic themes or that lack transgender education. Clients in my practice will often be exploring their personal assessment of if and how they want to proceed in relationships based on a multitude of factors. I see it as my job to help my clients develop their own individual assessment skills over time. My group practice, the Umbrella Collective focuses on talk therapy for your intersectional of identity, in particular people who have diverse gender and sexual identities. Be well, and have a happy new year!