My Queer-Trans New Year’s Resolution
/By Li Brookens, LCSW, CGP
For my New Year’s resolution, I’m planning to sharpen the who, what, where, and when assessment skills of providing trans-queer education, boundary setting, and/or not attending to someone’s lack of trans awareness that I encounter. As a transgender nonbinary, queer person (they/them pronouns), navigating the holiday season can be tricky and full of micro and macro aggressions. This is stuff I talk about every year around this time with clients in my talk therapy practice. Even if I wanted to speak up every time a family member misgenders me, I’d be using precious energy that I try to reserve for my 2.5 year-old! While it can be important to establish clear boundaries and protect oneself during the holidays, I notice that it also detracts from the human connection I seek (and our society needs) so badly at this time. Either way I cut it, I end up leaving the holiday season in a tired fog of uncertainty…unsure of who understands me, who has the capacity for understanding, whom I should educate about my gender, and when I should put my foot down and keep distance. This realization leads me to my transgender New Year resolution! Building my assessment tools so I can more easily navigate interpersonal relationships as a trans person in the New Year and for many more to come.
Who
Let’s start with whom I may or may not want to provide education, boundary setting, and/or not attending to someone’s lack of trans awareness. There is a big difference between my relationships with my brother who I see monthly versus my aunt who I may only see once every few years. I’m more invested with my brother, and so it’s more important to me to take the effort and energy to stay in connection and conversation with him surrounding my gender versus my aunt. While my aunt may need more trans education than my brother, I am not willing to give her my energy in this way. Instead I might set a boundary when she asks intrusive questions about what my gender neutral pronouns mean by referencing her to do some internet research if she wants to find out more.
What & Where
What will I share to loved ones I choose to be close with? Even people I love who are well intentioned will ask intrusive questions about my gender or my family. Navigating what I share or how much I share depends on the setting and where I think the question is coming from. My cousin recently asked me when we were one on one if I hoped for my daughter to have a relationship with the “donor father” one day. If he had asked this during dinner at the table with other family, I would have tabled the conversation, “I appreciate that you’re thinking about me, let’s talk about it when we have more time just the two of us.” In the one on one setting we were in, I felt comfortable first calling my cousin in for some queer education, “In my family, we don’t consider the donor a ‘father’ figure, but simply the donor.” In addition, I could tell his intention was for connection, and to deepen an understanding about my family and me. Knowing my cousin is also a great listener, I felt free to share openly about my process, and through this I felt closer to him.
When
When I am willing to share and when I am not in the mood depends on my internal resources and external resources. I check in with my basic needs, do I need to eat, use the toilet, rush off somewhere, or do I have spaciousness and feel well resourced in my body? As I write this, I’m thinking about the client who has an in depth question for me as they are getting up off the couch and walking out the door. “Li, have you had top surgery?” There’s no time to answer that question with any justice! I might say, “This is important, let’s talk about this next time.” In another example, if I’m hungry and tired, I may choose to not attend to someone’s transphobic gender policing comments toward me in a public restroom. I’ll probably never see them again, and I choose safety in passivity over confrontation and hostility in this scenario.
Assessing the who, what, where, and when is individual and can change from day to day. In fact, there is no right answer for anyone navigating relationships that have transphobic themes or that lack transgender education. Clients in my practice will often be exploring their personal assessment of if and how they want to proceed in relationships based on a multitude of factors. I see it as my job to help my clients develop their own individual assessment skills over time. My group practice, the Umbrella Collective focuses on talk therapy for your intersectional of identity, in particular people who have diverse gender and sexual identities. Be well, and have a happy new year!
