“Coming out” as Late-Diagnosed Neurodivergent: How You Can Support Yourself and How Your Loved Ones Can Support You
/If someone were to ask me about my “coming out” experiences, I’d have to ask, “Which ones? Coming out about queer sexuality, or coming out about late-diagnosed autism and ADHD (AuDHD)?” Of course, sexuality and neurodivergence are different, so my experiences sharing them have been different. But there were many themes in each experience that felt similar: choosing to let someone in on a part of myself that I hadn’t named or claimed before, the vulnerability of allowing a part of myself to be seen and known, and my fear that this part of me would not be understood, engaged with, or embraced.
Drawing on my own experiences and the experiences of other late-diagnosed neurodivergent (ND) adults, below is a list of things to consider if you are that late-diagnosed adult who is coming out, or if you are a loved one who wants to support them.
For late-diagnosed ND adults coming out:
Practice self-validating your own experiences and your own understanding of yourself.
As you learn more about your own brain/body system and gain insight, self validating what you know about you is deeply valuable in and of itself. After all, you are the #1 expert on you. But practicing self validation can also help you communicate your understanding of yourself to your loved ones to help them understand you better too!
Prepare yourself for their reaction, and know that you may need to educate them a little.
Not necessarily educating them on neurodivergence in general (no need to break out a TedTalk when general info is easily google-able), but educating them on you: what you would like them to know and understand about your experiences with neurodivergence and how your diagnoses (whether self or formal) affect you. Thanks to decades of misinformation and the impact of ableism, most people are ignorant about neurodivergence and what it can really look like. Even as a ND person myself, everything I’m learning about myself and other ND people is being learned against a tide of misinformation and ableism that’s been programmed into me. As one fellow ND adult put it, “ND people often get seen as ‘problem people’, and not everyone will understand that there is a spectrum of experiences.” The person you are coming out to is likely to have been affected by this messaging like we all have been, and may have incorrect assumptions about what it means to be ND. They may have questions for you, and if you are someone with low support needs or high masking, they may be surprised by your diagnosis.
Reflect on your relationship with your loved one before you share with them.
What is your dynamic like with this person? What parts of your experience feel emotionally safe to share with them? Are there any parts of your experience that you feel unsure about sharing with them, or don’t feel emotionally safe with them to share at all? In the past, if you’ve disclosed things with them that felt vulnerable, what has that been like? Did they respond in a way that made you regret telling them, or did you feel like you wanted to share more? Asking yourself these questions can help you decide what parts you want to share with them, what parts you don’t want to share with them (whether not right now, or never), and how you want to share with them.
Remember that sharing about your neurodivergence is very personal, and is yours to keep private or share as YOU so choose.
Like any coming out situation, you should have ultimate authority over whether or not you disclose, what you disclose, to who, when, where, and how. To allow yourself to be seen and known by another person is a gift that you choose to give them, usually because you trust that they will receive the gift of you with appreciation. It is not required in any relationship.
Think about how you want to frame it, and whether or not you have a request for support from this person.
What are your goals in sharing your neurodivergence with them? Do you want them to have a deeper understanding of you to bring you closer? Do you want to be able to talk openly about neurodivergence with them or around them? Do you want them to follow up with doing their own learning? Do you want any level of emotional, financial, or practical support from them? If so, consider saying or asking these things directly, whether or not that happens during the “coming out” conversation.
Think about what boundaries you want to hold in the experience of coming out to this person.
Do you want your loved one to know, but would not feel emotionally safe with them to hear their reaction or receive their feedback? You can say, in your own words, something like, “This is an announcement, not a conversation. I want to share this with you so that you can know this part of me exists, but I’m not available to hear your thoughts or feelings about it”.
Or maybe you want to share it, and you do want to hear their thoughts and feelings, but you don’t want to be criticized or receive push-back. You can say, “I do want to hear your thoughts and feelings, but I’m not available for criticism on this”. Or, “I’m open to hearing your reaction, but just know that you sharing your thoughts and feelings on this will not change the reality of what I’m telling you.”
Then, if they try to criticize, or share more of their input beyond your boundary, it’s 100% your responsibility to remind them that you said you were not open to hearing this, and then to disengage. You can say something like, “sorry to interrupt, but as I said before, I’m not available to hear this, so I’m going to walk away/end the call/etc for now.”
Consider creating a care plan to support yourself through the experience of coming out.
What kind of support might you need before, during, and after this experience? What will help you feel a little more comfortable, a little more supported, a little braver? If you expect that this experience will be challenging, or might use up a lot of your spoons for the day, can you plan to do it at a time when you are more likely to feel resourced? Can you plan to not have challenging things to do afterwards? What do you need to recover? Who and what are your resources for the support you need? How can you take good care of yourself?
For supportive loved ones:
Understand that, like everyone in our society, you too have been impacted by ableism and misinformation about neurodivergence.
You likely have incorrect assumptions, judgements, and internalized biases about neurodivergent people, and there is probably a lot that you don’t understand yet. Practice self compassion on this. It makes sense that you would have learned these beliefs, and shaming or harshly criticizing yourself isn’t helpful. Now you have an opportunity to learn more and think differently- what a gift!
Stay open, present, compassionate, and allow your loved one to share in their own way.
If there are parts of what they are sharing that are hard to take in or hard to make sense of in the moment, it is 100% your responsibility to use your skills to regulate your own brain/body, or to get support from someone else later (not the person coming out to you) so that you can stay in the present moment and actively listen to what your loved one is sharing with you. If you’re anything like me, you might need to write down your thoughts so that you don’t interrupt the other person, take deep breaths, and remind yourself to keep an open mind. If things don’t make sense, you might be able to ask questions and sort them out later, but right now it’s time to give your loved one space to share, and time for you to listen.
Thank them for sharing with you, and for trusting you with this information.
If they’re open to it, ask them what it was like for them to share with you, and let them know that you’re so grateful they did. If they’re open to it, ask them if there is any support they want or need from you, if there is anything you should change about how you interact with them, or if there is anything else they would like you to know about them.
Get curious about what your loved one is sharing with you!
Sit with what they tell you, take it in, then get interested with compassion and curiosity. Imagine what it might be like, feel like, to be them. What might the world be like for them to move through? One of the best ways to respond to someone when they share important information about themselves with you, is to be interested. This is the basis of empathy. Show them that they are worth your curiosity, and that you value thinking about them and their experience. Ask questions if they are open to being asked. If you’re not sure, you can check by saying, in your own words, something like, “is it alright if I ask you a question about what this is like for you?” or, “to help me understand better, can I ask you a question about xyz?”
Do your own learning about neurodivergence, and if they’re open to it, ask the person who came out to you for their input on resources to help you learn more!
As you’re learning about neurodivergence, you’ll learn that you can’t make assumptions or generalizations about neurodivergent people. As the saying goes, “if you’ve met one Autistic person, you’ve met one Autistic person”. Everyone’s neurological wiring and lived experiences are unique. So, if you’d like to learn more about this specific person who is sharing with you, they are the expert and best resource on themselves.
Understand that your loved one may seem different after diagnosis.
Many ND people, but especially Autistic people, learn “masking” or “camouflaging behaviors” to assimilate to neurotypical society. This is a survival response to avoid social rejection, isolation, discrimination, and/or violence. As your ND loved one starts accepting their authentic self, they may start to “unmask” and engage in behaviors or communication styles that they previously worked hard to hide, or only did when they were alone. When I unmask with close, trusted loved ones, often what that looks like is allowing myself to stim in front of them, allowing myself to communicate my thoughts and questions directly, and allowing myself to drop any performance of pleasantness if that’s not true to what I’m feeling in the moment. It might be a new experience for you to see your loved one’s unmasked, authentic self come out. But, if they are unmasking around you, it probably means they feel safe enough to do so, which is a good sign of the quality of your relationship with them. The best thing you can do is to remind them, with your words and your actions, that you love and accept them for who they really are. This support can have a huge impact, especially for ND adults who have dealt with a lifetime of social rejection and isolation.
Get curious about your own neurodivergence!
This one goes especially for biological parents or family members. Autism and ADHD have a strong genetic component, and if your biological relative is coming out to you as neurodivergent, there is a chance you might have some neurodivergent wiring as well. Even if your experiences don’t meet the criteria for diagnosis, you might have similar or shared experiences that you would likely benefit from understanding about yourself.
For more support with late-diagnosed neurodivergence, fill out our eligibility form for therapy and we’ll get you connected with one of our affirming therapists.
Check out these resources to learn more:
