Grief During the Holidays
/What makes grief so hard? If we all experience loss and the corresponding sorrow that follows, why do we so often feel alone, isolated and unseen in our pain? Yes, grief is unique and personal. Yes, everyone grieves in their own way and on their own timeline. But shouldn’t we be able to find some point of connection in the shared human experience of loss? Generally speaking, modern western culture does a terrible job of acknowledging and supporting grief. Common responses range from visible discomfort and avoidance to well-intentioned albeit invalidating platitudes such as “they are in a better place now” or “time heals all wounds”. The discomfort that radiates off of others who don’t know how to respond to the raw, wild pain that is grief sends the implicit message that grief should be a private, contained and controlled experience. In other words, “don’t get your grief on me.”
Now let’s add the holidays into the mix. Days are short. Nights are long. Anyone who has been wracked by waves of grief knows that nights can be the hardest. Then we have all of the holiday cheer to contend with. Twinkling lights, cheery music, images and messages that are filled with wishes for holiday cheer, joy, family, belonging. The holidays are full of “shoulds” that can leave us all feeling as though we aren’t measuring up. “I should be a better gift giver.” “I should be able to get along with everyone.” When we add grief into the mix, the “shoulds” quickly amplify. “I should be happier because I don’t want to ruin everyone else’s experience.” “I shouldn’t be too happy because then it won’t look like I’m still grieving.” “I shouldn’t be angry.”
Grief cannot be generalized, though there are some common themes and considerations that may resonate, particularly when navigating grief during the holiday season. Whether this is your first holiday without your loved one, or your twentieth holiday, it is natural for grief to hit a little bit harder. You may be thinking about gifts you would have given, time you would have spent together. There may be traditions connected to the person lost that you are re-evaluating or continuing to celebrate. Other people’s joy might feel like a personal affront to your own grief. Experiencing moments of your own joy may stoke fears that you are not grieving correctly or that you are forgetting the person you have lost. Remember, grief is not linear, grief does not operate on a timeline and grief is not something that we get over.
So what now? We are all on the holiday moving sidewalk. For some grief is a low hum in the backdrop as the sidewalk moves persistently along. For others, grief is blinding, flashing lights and a cacophony of disorienting house music from which there is no rest or relief. No matter where you are on that ride, there are a few practices that may help.
Cope ahead. Knowing that there may be certain events, certain people or expectations that will be particularly challenging to face can help safeguard against being blindsided by your grief. It may be helpful to know what your escape plan is if a holiday party becomes overwhelming. You might have a plan to extricate yourself from conversations that are draining or non-supportive. Try brainstorming responses to platitudes or unhelpful sympathies. Know what your self-care practices are that help you feel a little more grounded and regulated.
Identify your support network. Not everyone knows how to sit with grief. Some people are really good at it. Figure out who those people are and find ways to connect with them in moments of need. You might be lucky and have people who will be physically present. You may need to pick up the magical box that lets you ping someone thousands of miles away. Sometimes it is enough to know that there is someone out there who doesn’t always know what to say, but knows what not to say or knows that there is nothing to say. Know how you will take care of yourself if you do not get a response or the response that you were hoping for.
Give yourself permission to feel the emotions that arise. There may be anger, sadness, despair, longing-all of the excruciating grief emotions. There may be happiness, joy, love, delight-all of the beautiful grief emotions. Allow space for whatever is present and remember that it is natural to sometimes experience anger, sadness and happiness all at the same time. As beautifully complex beings, we are able to hold multiple opposing truths at the same time.
Find ways to remember and honor your loved one. This might look different depending on how acute your grief is, but no matter where you are in your grieving process, it is healthy and important to remember those we have lost. Perhaps you cook a meal that reminds you of your loved one. Maybe you watch a movie or listen to songs that they loved. Maybe you simply say their name out loud.
Practice self-compassion. Anyone who has sat in a therapy session with me, in my classroom, or really talked to me for more than ten minutes has heard me talk about the value of self-compassion. If we do nothing else for ourselves, allowing room to have compassion for ourselves is the most valuable practice we can develop. We are all doing our best to navigate this wild, painful, beautiful and frightening world. When the “shoulds” start to creep in, when the painful emotions flare up-try responding to yourself with compassion and kindness. “I am doing the best that I can in the context of my entire world being flipped upside down.”
Grief is hard. Grief is unbearable. Grief is all-consuming. Grief is transformative. Grief is alchemical. Grief is human. One or all of these sentences may ring true for you. Grief is not something that you put down or move on from; it is something that becomes a part of who we are. No matter how loud or how quiet your grief is during this particular season (and beyond), know that there is room for sadness, tears, anger, laughter, love and joy. If you could use some more support as you are trying to navigate your grief, you can reach out to connect with one of our therapists at Umbrella Collective.
